


Whirl Reviews: The Hippie Cult

by WhirlReviews (NotSoMetalKnightmare)



Series: Whirl Reviews [1]
Category: Transformers
Genre: Commentary, Critique, Gen, M/M, Meta, Review
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2020-01-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:27:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21749755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotSoMetalKnightmare/pseuds/WhirlReviews
Summary: I review the fanfic: The Hippie Cult
Relationships: Starscream/Steve the Vehicon
Series: Whirl Reviews [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1567600
Comments: 12
Kudos: 13





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Hippie Cult](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20395201) by [Marfacat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marfacat/pseuds/Marfacat). 



HELLO, this is _**Whirl**_ , bringing you the very first part in my (probably very infrequent, since I am an expert in executive dysfunction) series: **”Whirl Reviews”**!

As an introduction; you can call me Whirl! I’m a fan of Transformers (obviously lol), so most of my reviews will be about TF stuff. My goal is to review random fics that I come across; some good, some bad, and some promising (but in need of revision)!

I’m probably not gonna review longer fics that often SINCE THAT TAKES ACTUAL WORK HA HA HA 

**REGARDING TAKING REVIEWS DOWN:** I will always abide by polite requests of “could you please take your review of my work down?” but not “F*CK YOU MY FIC IS PERFECT SHUT UP AND F*CK OFF DONT LIKE DONT READ”

**REGARDING OWNERSHIP:** I 100% DO NOT own ANY of the things I review, including fanfiction, art, music, and official material

**REGARDING REVIEWS THEMSELVES:** I am not an expert, I do not have a degree of literature, and I haven’t memorized every single bit of canon to the fandoms I’m in and/or reviewing works in, so take my reviews with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional, and I might make mistakes (which I am fine with you notifying me about!). Also; I might have different opinions than you do regarding these works (feel free to comment with your view, and I will take it into consideration!)

Ok, so unless I add anything later, this is it for the introduction! Thanks you for your time!


	2. Review of Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I encounter the problem of liking this fic very much, and therefore finding it difficult to critique.

Alright, it’s been _ages_ since I actually watched TFP, but this is kinda disconnected from it and you only really need to know some of it from what I’ve read.

**The therapist wasn’t entirely certain how to approach his new patient. He also wasn’t entirely sure what he had expected.**

**Perhaps an angry, violent sociopath- or maybe a screeching menace, based on the rumors he’d heard of the cruel, ruthless air commander while tucked away in his quiet little colony of neutrals.**

**Certainly not the hunched, disgruntled character that was shoved into the room in stasis cuffs, looking as if he’d accidentally dropped his daily rations all over his pedes rather than having been sentenced to life in prison.**

**He was short for a seeker, but taller than the average grounder, and gangly but graceful. He seemed to exist in a state of perpetual inconvenience, if his put-upon expression was anything to judge by.**

So we start off with a summary and introduction to everyone’s favorite murderbird - *looks at writing on hand* Storscem! When I first read this, I was also unsure what to expect, Mr. Therapist Guy. But a disgruntled, pouty Starscream is certainly one possibility. I can see that - especially with the pouty (and adorable) attitude TFP SS tends to have. G1 Star would probably have to be dragged in kicking and screaming (and then restrained to prevent him from turning the therapist’s pen into a weapon), TFP Star is much more likely to brood instead. He’s indeed very moody, and very inconvenienced, and wants everyone to know.

**“I presume you’re Starscream?” The therapist said. The seeker rolled his optics.**

**“If I say ‘no,’ do I get to leave?”**

....Starscream just so you know, I don’t think anyone could mistake you for someone else XD

**“No,” said the therapist through gritted denta, forcing a polite smile. “Please, have a seat.” Starscream complied daintily, facing sideways so as not to crush his wings on the back of the couch.**

*gasp!* what a mean therapist you are! Not having comfy couches for all patients! >:(

**There was an awkward silence. Starscream picked at his claws. The therapist reset his vocalizer.**

**“So,” He said, fidgeting, “I was thinking we could start with you telling me a little bit about yourself?” Starscream didn’t look up.**

**“No.”**

**“Ah.” The therapist fidgeted again. “Why not?” Starscream rolled his optics and scoffed.**

**“I suppose I’m just not in a talking mood,” Starscream sneered.**

Starscream is often in a talking mood, but not when the topic is “emotions”. He is allergic to emotions. HIGHLY allergic. DEADLY.

**The therapist grit his denta again, trying not to express his dwindling patience.**

I think only Rung would ever have a chance at not being annoyed too much by Starscream. (Well, even that’s a stretch. Starscream is very annoying) Starscream knows this and wants Mr Therapist to go away

**“Well, you don’t have to talk, I suppose. Have you tried art?” Starscream looked up from his preening incredulously.**

**“What,” he deadpanned. The therapist smiled encouragingly.**

**“Art can help you express the feelings you don’t necessarily want to voice. You could paint, draw, maybe sing-“ Starscream glared at him, wings ruffling. “Alright, no singing, then. But still! Getting all your emotions out instead of bottling them up can be therapeutic. You don’t even have to keep it after you’re done with it.” Starscream glared holes into the floor and made a couple faces.**

LOL DONT MENTION SINGING (his VA has a nice voice tho... I’d be very interested in some Starscream singing) And don’t worry Mister Therapist... Starscream doesn’t bottle up his feelings! He simply stuffs them deep inside of himself until something bad happens and then he EXPLODES! Very different!

**“And what, exactly, am I supposed to paint?” The therapist brightened.**

**“Anything you want! Anything at all!” Starscream’s wings flicked thoughtfully, but his expression didn’t change. Finally, he heaved a put-upon sigh.**

AND THUS THE ROBOT HIPPIE MOVEMENT BEGINS!!! But yes, Starscream is Mildly Interested in this “anything at all” part of art

**“Perhaps I will indulge your bizarre requests- only if I have time for it! I’m very busy, you know.” They both knew that was a lie. The therapist beamed.**

Well, I don’t know... maybe he is in fact VERY BUSY making prison shivs! Wait he already has claws and stuff tho... hmm but he could sell them? But anyways, Starscream is Starscream, and he HAS to look important even when he’s literally in prison 

**“Thank you. I think you’ll find that it will help.” He ignored Starscream’s contrary muttering.**

More than they know lol 

First chapter: very interesting, intrigues you! What is Starscream going to make? Will he actually engage with his therapist? Is everyone in prison? First chapters should always make you ask questions! It’s the hook! Now let’s see if it’s also the line and sinker :)

THANK YOU FOR READING AND UNTIL NEXT TIME.... *peaces out*


	3. Review of Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Starscream starts out his art therapy, and I (and Mr Therapist) continue to analyze him

Hello again my readers! Here’s the review!

**“Oh** , **it _did_ help!” Starscream said a week later, presenting his painting to the therapist with a proud little smirk. “I call it ‘Slaghead.’” The therapist studied the piece apprehensively, taking in the gore and violence.**

ah yes, the classic maneuver of “be vulgar in an attempt to push people away” that many of my fellow emotionally stunted individuals use... *pats starscream* this baby can fit so many maladaptive techniques in it

**“Wow, you... Certainly pay attention to detail,” he said, eyeing the brightly colored spatters of energon, “and it’s... Very anatomically correct.” Starscream seemed briefly surprised, before summoning up his false bravado.**

But therapists are prepared for that, Starscream! Your wily tricks will not fool him! Instead, prepare to be bamboozled by.... DUN DUN DUN! COMPLIMENTS!!! *insert screams of horror* Also: since he has indeed spent like a kazillion years in a super awful war that killed mostly everybody, I do imagine he’s very familiar with robo blood and guts. And, like... he did dick around with those dead bodies and make zombies too, so that’s additional experience. I imagine his drawing skillz either comes from him being naturally creative or from sketching schematics and stuff 

**“Well, of course! You see, I was going about my _very_ busy schedule, and I got to thinking about everything I hate, as one does. That, naturally, brought me to Megatron, and I thought to myself, ‘I wish I could shove his stupid fat helm up his aft-port!’ Then, inspiration struck! It’s always been one of my most favorite fantasies to entertain.” The therapist nodded. **

**“I can tell,” he said a little too cheerfully.**

I too spend my free time thinking about things I hate *glares at neighbors who party all night* Very in character for Starscream, obviously :P He’s a broody guy, who’s probably pretty creative with his revenge fantasies. ALSO ID RLY LIKE TO SEE THAT PAINTING OF URS STARSCREAM BC THAT SOUNDS SUPER DUPER FUNNY (if anatomically questionable) And in other “water is wet” news, this immature, broody hatred is very apparent to everyone 

**“How did painting this make you feel?” Starscream pondered a moment.**

**“Amused,” he said, “avenged. It was cathartic. I made more.” He unsubspaced a stack of paintings. The therapist inspected the rather unflattering depiction of Optimus Prime covered in dirt and organic creatures on top.**

it’s the simple joys in life, isn’t it, Starscream? ;) Again, VERY FUNNY image! ....now I want to draw my enemies in sadistic yet hilarious scenarios too.... don’t tempt me! I’m very creative! *restrains hands to prevent grabbing pencil* OH NO NOW I THOUGHT ABOUT MAKING A DOODLE OF ONE OF THEM SAYING “hehe i eat poop” DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!?!? XD

**“These are very good,” he said, smiling. “I’m glad we’ve found something you enjoy. May I see the rest of them?” Starscream blinked, caught off guard, then smiled arrogantly.**

Star has never heard a compliment like EVER but that certainly doesn’t mean he won’t accept it

**“But of course! How could I deny you such an experience when you asked so nicely?” He spread them out on the coffee table. “I made one for everyone I know. Except you.”**

(psst! That means he likes you! ...or doesn’t hate you yet) also politeness works even on Starscream :)

**They were mostly insulting, depicting caricatures of team Prime and the Decepticon high command in various ridiculous or violent situations.**

he could become a political cartoonist! ....I’m not quite sure if I want to know what his views are tho

**The nicest was Knockout’s, mostly realistic and proportional except for his oversized smirk and the obscene amounts of beauty products and porn in the background. There was a special care and detail given to his painting that was absent in all the others. The therapist presumed, privately, that he was his favorite.**

THAT WOULD ALSO BE MY FAVORITE LOL Knockout’s painting is almost flattering? (Just a bot being proud of his pornos and makeup lololol) and Knockout is basically the closest thing he has to a friend in canon (which is kinda sad considering how much of a dumb butthole he is) Starscream probably thinks of him at least a bit fondly... I imagine they could eventually become besties :) (like, super gay, bitchy besties lmao)

**He scanned the various unflattering portraits, noting that the details added underlying expressions of Starscream’s personal sentiments that were easily overlooked at a first glance. He paused when he surveyed Ratchet’s, snorting before he could stop himself.**

**“Why does his face look like it’s been through a trash compactor?” He blurted. Starscream shrugged.**

**“He’s old,” He said, and left it at that.**

B-but... Ratchet is beautiful! Look at those eyes! And when he smiles...! *strokes ratchet figurine* dont worry bby i still luv u....... And anyways, just how old are YOU Starscream? >:T Glass houses, mister!

**Soundwave’s had him peeking through a vent in a washroom,**

He probably does that in canon, the creep! (But also rly funny)

**Airachnid was tangled in her own webbing,**

If only she’d suffocate to death in them *weeps over breakdowns grave*

**and a mass of vehicons were all tripping and stumbling over each other. The therapist hummed.**

**“You have a lot of talent,” he said. Starscream eyed him mistrustfully.**

ONE compliment he can take, MULTIPLE makes him doubt you. After all, he often uses a stream of them to try and appease others, how does he know Mr Therapist isn’t doing that?

**“You don’t find this repulsive or disturbing? At all?” The therapist shook his head and smiled at his new patient.**

Therapists see/hear some shit, man. This is nothing. You don’t want to hear what I’ve said to mine LOL

**“This is a really good way to express yourself without hurting somebody or making drastic decisions that could potentially hurt you. I’ve noticed, based on your file, that you’re fairly violently impulsive when provoked. This could be a way to temper that.” Starscream seemed to think about that, which was encouraging.**

*nods* what Mr Therapist said!

**“Perhaps,” he admitted. The therapist smiled.**

**“I’ve got an assignment for you: every time someone makes you feel angry or violent, you paint the meanest, nastiest, most horrific picture you can before you decide your next course of action. Could you do that for me?” He asked. Starscream considered it for a moment, before smiling in a way the therapist was sure that, historically, had never ended well for the recipients.**

**“But of course,” he purred.**

Well, this will certainly be very amusing and therapeutic for Starscream, and very mind-scarring for Mr Therapist! Starscream will have a grand time with both 

ANYWAYS THATS IT FOR THE REVIEW OF THIS CHAPTER!!! I’m proud of myself for not stopping after literally one chapter! Now to continue that trend... THANKS FOR READING AND TIL NEXT TIME! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: the only tangible Ratchet figurine I have is a 2008 McDonalds toy. His legs are fused together. He is cursed.


	4. Review Of Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Results are in! Critics agree: 2 out of 5 punches to the face!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very sporadic updates, as I said lol

New chapter review!

**“You know that’s not at all what I meant,” said the therapist the next day, staring down his bloodied patient. Starscream’s broken optic twitched, and he pouted.**

**“It’s not what it looks like!” He snapped, shifting as best he could with his neck-cast to face the wall. The therapist cocked his optical ridge.**

**“So you didn’t send your violent and insulting art to Megatron to make him angry.” Starscream sputtered.**

Ah, Mr. Therapist, did you really expect anything else? Starscream really can’t help himself. It’s funny but sad lol

**“You said it was good!”**

**“Not when you show it to your... Inspirations! Honestly, Starscream, I thought you knew better than to start fights.” Starscream awkwardly shifted further until his back was completely to the therapist. He flicked his wings in such a manner that one didn’t have to be a seeker to understand his meaning. The therapist didn’t budge.**

Starscream does NOT know better and he never will. All iterations of Starscream love to squabble (tho few enjoy the consequences) Mr. Therapist just doesn’t understand how good it feels to be a goblin

**“I’ll have you know that Megatron started it,” Starscream finally grumbled after a tense fifteen seconds. “He called me useless and it made me mad.”**

**“So you wanted to hurt his feelings to get even.”**

I know I should say “an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind” but I’m actually on stars wavelength. If you shit on me, prepare to be shitted back, yo! ...that came out sounding wrong

**“... Maybe. I don’t understand, nothing I ever say or do impresses him! I work so hard and I get nothing!”**

**“Then why continue? If nothing you do ever makes him see you in a better light, perhaps you should move on with your life and find a better goal.” Starscream paused, looking back at his companion, and shook his helm a bit.**

Sounds easy, but isn’t.... until you’ve reached a certain point that is. Everyone has their limit - the point at which hatred bubbles over and becomes a throbbing nothingness, a point where you can finally say “you don’t matter to me”

**“I’m not a quitter,” he snapped, “and I don’t want him to think I’m pathetic and weak.”**

Starscream is still stuck however

**“Doesn’t he already think that?” Starscream said nothing. “You know, I encountered an interesting expression on the human internet-“**

**“Oh, because the fleshlings are such a reliable source of information-”**

Didn’t you interrogate one Starscream? That’s literally looking to one as a source of information lol

**“-about trying to jam a circular peg into a square hole. Eventually you have to realize that the action is futile, and that your time would be better spent on something else. Now more than ever, since he’s no longer your commanding officer and you’re both in prison. Who cares what he thinks? He’s not important anymore, and he has no control over your life at this point.”**

*does a song and dance* thats a niiiiice ideeeeeaaaa~ But he does actually

**Starscream was quiet for a moment, then turned his body back around to face his therapist.**

**“Well, I definitely understand what you’re saying, but- he actually does control what happens to me. There’s a sort of pecking order here, you see- he’s at the top, naturally, and all his sycophantic little minions follow him around like scraplets doing whatever he desires, and I still have to put up with his stupid scrap. I can’t just disregard him, I’ll fall out of favor! It’s like nothing has changed at all.” The therapist quirked a brow.**

Yeah, see? Also don’t forget that all the abuse has wormed him into Starscreams brain and he’s probably gonna stay with him forever in that regard

**“He can’t actually hurt you now, you know what happens to violent prisoners.” Starscream gestured to his injured face impatiently. The therapist paused.**

**“Wait, do the guards know-“**

**“Of course!”**

**“And now he’s locked in his cell for the rest of the week, isn’t he?” Starscream looked like he’d eaten a lemon.**

That’s good and all, but Megs could definitely snap Starscream’s bird bones and kill him before he gets locked in a cell again, so I wouldn’t feel too safe either. Megatron is a powerhouse, even handcuffed and surrounded by guards

**“Fair. I knew that would happen. He’s been such an aft lately, you know. I mean, even more so than usual. If anything, it was a victory for me!” The therapist wasn’t impressed.**

**“Victory? He put you in the medbay! It seems like you hurt yourself more than you hurt him.” Starscream tried to scowl, but it came out looking like more of a pout. The therapist sighed.**

It’s the principle of the matter Mr Therapist!

**“All I’m suggesting is that you stop letting Megatron ruin your life. He’s never going to respect you. From what I’ve seen of him, he thrives on attention. He probably gets a sense of power from making you focus all your energy on him, and strings you along by giving you just enough to keep trying- to keep thinking that it’s not a complete waste of time to seek his approval. Don’t give him that anymore. I guarantee you it’ll drive him up the wall, and he won’t even be able to admit why unless he wants to sound pathetic. Just cut him out.” Starscream pondered that for a moment, looking bewildered.**

Yay! A good analysis that I don’t have to bother to do myself!

**“I mean... I would have the resources to do that now, wouldn’t I?” He said, then chuckled a bit. “I’m no longer dependent on him for survival. He’s so much more temperamental now that the Prime is ignoring him- now that he’s stuck in here. That would add so much insult to injury! I could just... Stop!” The therapist grinned.**

**“Yes, that’s perfect! You do that!” Starscream tapped his chin thoughtfully.**

**“And doesn’t that just open up a myriad of possibilities? I’m going to have so much fun with this. Oh, Doctor, you’re a genius- I could kiss you!” The therapist grimaced.**

It’s REALLY fun to ignore assholes and watch them get mad lol

**“Please don’t,” he said. “And please, please don’t do anything reckless or stupid.” Starscream grinned ferally.**

**“Never,” he drawled playfully.**

NOOOO... HIM? STARSCREAM? R E C K L E S S ? NOOOOO.......

**The therapist felt as though he had indirectly put into motion an utter catastrophe.**

*looks at the newest chapters* yup.

ya so anyways time for my next 10000 year hiatus AND THANKS FOR READING! WHIRL OUT!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick & lazy review bc im e x h u a s t ed


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